Into the Sunset in 155
by Alisia D. Crede
Summary: Exit Nora. [PARODY. If you are tender of heart, you may want to read something else. Got it?]
1. Batteries Not Included

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Disclaimer: Dude, if I had it my way, she would've been gone after one episode.  
  
Author's note: Dianne Wiest has left the cast of L&O. Although Ms. Wiest may be a talented actress and a wonderful person, Nora is downright annoying. Herein, Nora is written out in ways Dick Wolf never imagined, and in a mere 155 words each (excluding title).  
  
For TC, who asked nicely.  
  
***  
**Batteries Not Included**  
  
Nora paused right in the middle of a sentence, causing Jack and Serena to lean forward expectantly.  
  
"You're. A. Gifted. Lawyer." Nora said, her voice displaying a noticeable drawl and her eyes focused somewhere over Jack's shoulder.  
  
The two ADAs exchanged a mystified look.   
  
"Are you feeling all right, Nora?" Serena asked.  
  
Nora's head began to jerk from side to side, and she said,   
  
"DowhateveryouthinkisbestJack."  
  
Jack and Serena began to back towards the door, as sparks shot out of Nora's ears and her eyes rolled. Her whole body twitched, and she fell forward onto her desk.   
  
"Oh my God," Serena said, rushing over to the comatose DA.   
  
She stared down at her now-former boss for a moment, then said, in a voice choked with suppressed laughter, "Jack, come look at this."  
  
He looked. Nora's hair, mussed in her fall, had parted to reveal a battery pack plugged right into her head. It read: Expires 2002.   
  
  



	2. The Leaning Tower

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Author's notes in chapter one.  
  
***  
**The Leaning Tower**  
  
"Well, shit," Nora said, frowning at the pile of boxes in her living room. Normally she wouldn't stoop to such vulgar language, but she was desperate -- and as every pop culture consumer with more than a fourth grade education is aware, desperate times call for desperate measures.  
  
"What's wrong, sweeting?" Jack called from the bedroom.  
  
"It's nothing, darling," she called back. "Just that I think perhaps I've got these boxes stacked too high and they might fall on top of --"  
  
The tremendous collapse of the Leaning Tower of Boxes sent Jack scurrying into the living room, where he was greeted by the sight of Nora's feet sticking out from under the great pile in the manner of the Wicked Witch of the East.  
  
"Nora? You okay?" he asked.  
  
No response.  
  
"Oh, well," he said. "I guess we'll just have to get another DA." And grabbing his motorcycle helmet, he left her apartment.  
  



	3. Out of the Moo Clear Sky

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Author's notes in chapter one.  
  
***  
**Out of the Moo Clear Sky**  
  
The hilarity began, as hilarity is wont to do, when the phone rang. "Briscoe," Lennie said. "Falling livestock? You've gotta be kidding me." He burst into laughter. "Hey, Ed," he said, "you'll never guess what happened to whats-her-name, the DA."   
  
After taking a few moments to compose himself -- and truth be told, it was rather longer than was appropriate, considering the gravity of the situation -- he was able to choke out an explanation.   
  
"She was walking her six shih tzus and her three dachshunds and her five poodles in Riverside Park this morning," -- here Lennie had to pause for another spurt of laughter -- "and a 900-lb. Holstein fell from the sky and killed her. I know it shouldn't be funny, seeing as how she was the DA and all, but still ..."   
  
Ed snorted and shook his head. "No wonder. Doesn't she know better than to be walking in Riverside Park?"  
  



	4. Mile-High Club

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Author's notes in chapter one.  
  
***  
**Mile-High Club**  
  
Nora was terribly excited. In all of her years as a professor and lawyer, she had never yet been on a plane. When she was still teaching, she always drove or took the train to the conferences she attended. Now, for the first time in her 60-odd years of life, she was about to defy gravity.  
  
The plane sped down the runway and lifted off of the ground. Nora sat back in her seat and chomped ferociously on her gum, trying to ease the pressure in her ears as they began to climb. Oddly, it didn't seem to be working. She chewed harder. The pressure increased.   
  
At 25,000 feet, her head exploded, spraying grey matter all over the passengers on either side of her.  
  
It was determined that Nora's death was directly related to her complete inability to adjust to pressure. This did not come as a surprise to anyone in the district attorney's office.  
  
  



	5. Urban Truth

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Author's notes in chapter one.  
  
***  
**Urban Truth**  
  
The mood was perfect: a romantic candlelight dinner in her apartment with a bottle of Scotch for Jack. Nora chose not to imbibe, but she had no problem taking advantage of Jack's frisky mood when *he* did, so she was anticipating a fulfilling evening.   
  
Unfortunately, tonight his inebriation had taken an irritating turn toward chattiness, and he launched into full prosecutor mode, lecturing her on the dangers of the reptile-infested sewers.  
  
"Jack, I'm sure the urban legends about alligators in the sewer system are just that -- urban legends," Nora cooed softly, desperately trying to steer Jack's mood toward the amorous. "To prove it to you, I'm going into the bathroom right now. And when I get back ..." She waggled her eyebrows.  
  
Moments later, a scream floated down the hall from the bathroom. And when Jack rushed drunkenly toward the source, the only thing remaining was an alligator licking its reptilian lips in satisfaction.  
  



	6. Kentucky Fried

**Into the Sunset in 155**  
by Alisia D. Crede  
  
Author's notes in chapter one.  
  
***  
**Kentucky Fried**  
  
Nora's hoop skirt blew gently back in forth in the wind as she set out on the Fourth of July. Despite the oppressive heat, she was decked out in full Civil War-era regalia, from the heavy skirts to the long-sleeved jacket.  
  
She ignored the stares of passers-by as she trotted briskly down the sidewalk, her hoop skirt brushing between pedestrians, just as she ignored the thunderclouds rumbling overhead. When she reached Riverside Park, where the Civil War Ladies were to meet, disaster struck.  
  
At the top of the steps a huge gust of wind swooped around her and, using her skirts as a balloon, picked up Nora and deposited her upside-down in a tree, hanging by her metal hoops.  
  
The storm chose that precise moment to break, starting with a bolt of lightning that headed straight for Riverside Park's new lightning rod—Nora's hoops.   
And so ended her brief reign of utter lack of terror.  
  
  
  
***  
_Note from "Alisia" ...  
  
jael: "Ding-dong, the DA's dead, the DA's dead, the DA's dead! Ding-dong, the useless DA's dead!!!"  
  
Kyl: ::laughs::  
  
jael: Why do I always wind up sounding like a mental incompetent?  
  
Kyl: I dunno. Why do I always have to be the ass part of our horse costume?  
_  



End file.
